You should read a good book. There is a lot of statistical evidence of a positive correlation between reading good books and intelligence. Though, be careful not to confuse these statistics with those that correlate reading anything (Facebook articles, the instruction manual for your toaster-oven, an opinion column written by a college student, ect.) with higher levels of intelligence. Such data is exclusively presented in charts which is highly suggestive of the authoring statisticians being illiterate and thus wholly untrustworthy on the subject. The data in support of reading good books, on the other hand, was clearly gathered by statisticians who have read good books themselves and are therefore intelligent.

The benefits of reading a good book are plentiful. For example, not only will reading the fourth installment of André Malraux’s multi-volume autobiography, Lazarus, provide you with the valuable insight of an acclaimed French writer’s senile hallucinations on his deathbed, but you also get to pretend that you know who André Malraux is when you’re bragging about it to your potential love interest. Also note that understanding the meaning of what you read is of little importance, so don’t let the fear of getting in over your head deter you. The reality is that good books almost always have no real meaning; a fact authors are able to cover up with big words, alliterations, and long-winded (mostly pointless) character development. This applies to both fiction and nonfiction works. Authors are able to do this because they are intelligent, a trait they undoubtedly acquired from reading good books.

Another benefit of reading good books is that they serve as great distractions. It’s a wild world we live in and the high stress atmosphere that has developed on campus, and around the country, can really impede your ability to comfortably avoid your personal problems by aimlessly scrolling through websites where a bunch of people you secretly hate post little updates on their own problems for you to read. The deterioration of this symbiotic relationship is due to the high stress atmosphere having the unforeseen effect of turning everyone into well-versed political analysts. And as we all know, aimlessly scrolling through a feed of such persuasive political arguments can lead to unwanted symptoms like paranoia and liver failure. By instead using a good book as a distraction from your problems, this extra stress will fade away and be replaced by intelligence.

Clearly reading good books is extremely beneficial, but just what constitutes a good book? First off, a good book tends to have an emotional impact on its readers. The book The Catcher in the Rye, for example, is considered to be “good” because it convinced one reader to murder the well known hippie and egomaniac, John Lennon. It’s important to not mistake having an impact on readers for having meaning, as I stated earlier good books are for the most part inherently meaningless. Second, a good book is typically written by a caucasian male of either American or British descent who is now dead. Distinguishing between these two can be tricky but a good rule of thumb is that if the the text gives you the impression that the author was a blatant racist and violent alcoholic, it was probably written by an American (ex. Walden by Henry David Thoreau). If the book contains an annoyingly pompous commentary on the working poor and/or borderline masochistic religious undertones, then you’re reading a piece of British literature (ex. anything by C.S. Lewis).

The third and most important indicator of good book is that by the time you have finished reading it you’ve come to the realization that the world is so uncomprehendingly complex and hopelessly screwed, the only logical next step is to start reading another good book. Once you’ve read enough good books you’ll be jaded enough to feel sorry for yourself and humanity but enlightened enough to not say anything about it. This balance serves as the cornerstone of true intelligence. 

Sam Jefferson is a junior majoring in economics. his column runs biweekly.