It has come to my attention that I have inexplicably not been chosen for the 2011 homecoming court. Since conceding is for chumps, I am going to take the opportunity to abuse my position as senior staff columnist to elaborate on my plans, had I won the prestigious title of homecoming queen.

It is painfully evident that the student body does not fully understand the role the homecoming queen plays in everyday life here at UA. Since this is most likely due to the fact that the queen does not actually play any one particular role, I intend to use this space to outline my intentions to turn the Student Government Association into a constitutional monarchy, the likes of which the world has never seen.

As it stands, the SGA is led by a man no one elected, with a non-existent executive vice president and a legislative body that enjoys long, bureaucratic walks on the beach and arguing over who gets to call special sessions of legislative bodies with no set purpose or tangible function. What I propose will allow these individuals to continue doing what they love so much without any further plummeting in student popularity.

What I propose is that the homecoming queen take charge of the SGA, providing a beautiful, wonderful figurehead that everyone loves and abhors. The queen will have no actual, written authority beyond serving as a symbol to distract the masses, while the SGA continues to debate the merits of paper vs. plastic. Think of the queen as Batman, except without the husky voice.

Now, whom do you want to vote for?

It could have been me. I could have been the symbol of not what the student body needed, but what it deserved. A symbol to be chased and hated, because I can take it.

But now, as I sit in a dimly lit room with a cigar, a glass of brandy, and my faithful bloodhound Skeletor, I can only pen these final words while I watch the student body of The University of Alabama make a mistake so profoundly fatal that it can only end in mutually-assured destruction.

Her Majesty’s Government would have revolutionized the way we look at student government. It would have allowed our future leaders to make their mistakes and live through their growing pains without the cruel mistress otherwise known as public opinion breathing down their collective neck.

It is not too late, of course. We can still elevate one of those in the homecoming court to the position of Queen of UA – I only fear we do not have the candidates capable of withstanding the abuse.

The homecoming court was chosen based on merits of philanthropy and community engagement – merits based on appreciation of one’s surroundings and a general sense of goodwill among neighbors. But what would happen when those neighbors turned on you for, I don’t know, using $4,700 of the SGA budget for a trip to California without approval, despite the explicit rules stating you must have approval for anything over $1000?

You know what I’d do? I’d go back to California, just to prove I didn’t need the money anyway.

You’d hate me. You’d all hate me. But you’d also love me, because I could do the things you only dreamed of doing, shout the things you’d only whisper, and you would live vicariously through me as I rode a glorious wave of self-righteousness all the way to the President’s Mansion where, incidentally, no one lives.

John Davis is a senior majoring in telecommunication and film. His column runs on Mondays.