More like the Ten Cent Band

Football lore has it that, during a game when the Tide wasn’t playing particularly well (pre-John Parker Wilson not playing particularly well), an opposing head coach alluded to our football team not being worth much, but our band being worth a million dollars. Oh, how the times have changed.

I don’t have anything against the men and women who make up a nationally renowned marching band, I just think they can suck at times. Specifically halftimes.

We all get tickled pink when the MDB plays “Rammer Jammer” after a win, or when they take the field for “Yea, Alabama,” before kick off. Just please, for the love of god, don’t do halftime shows anymore.

I’m not sure what the hell you call the formation you guys make during halftime, but it looks like someone took a picture of the lines off Lindsay Lohan’s dining room table after a weekend coke bender.

My head hurts from the countless hours spent each season attempting to figure out if there is truly a point to the band taking the field, or if it’s the world’s most complicated game of follow the leader.

Why can’t you guys just stick to the pre-game field marching? You guys are awesome at that. Sure, it’s not that hard to spell out a four-letter word on a football field, but damnit if you don’t spell it like champions.

When halftime rolls around, my pride in the Tide sinks like a cruise ship rented by Weight Watchers. All you have to do to fix this dilemma is make a formation that is more recognizable to the fans... and less Picasso on crack.

Ohio State’s band does the script O-H-I-O, Texas’s band does that bull thing and Tennessee’s band makes a giant block T because they aren’t smart enough for anything else. Alabama though? We do three-year-old’s finger paintings during halftime while the fans cross their fingers that none of it is being broadcast on television.

Besides the 10 minutes at halftime when the band awkwardly spazzes out on the field, the MDB is awesome. In fact, the band doesn’t even have to change up that thing they do at halftime, just key us in to what exactly it is. Just send out a school wide e-mail telling everyone before next game what exactly that jumble of band members on the field is. If it wasn’t for the halftime debacle every week, the Million Dollar Band would be the best collegiate marching band, outside of the one from “Drumline.”

While we’re having this discussion together about our favorite band, can we also request you stop playing “Basket Case?” I’m not entirely sure what any of Green Day’s songs have to do with football or Alabama, but being a “melodramatic fool” definitely doesn’t belong here at the Capstone.

Dave Folk is a senior majoring in communication studies.

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