Alternative forms of transportation and why I hate them

Ever since Al Gore stopped boring us with his speeches and started boring us with his books and movies, the green movement has been an unstoppable fad (a lot like Pokemon, and Howard Dean). While turning off lights, recycling paper and lowering your heat saves you money, one of the green fad’s more annoying manifestations is the emphasis on alternative transportation. Even though it can save you money (so can buying gas station condoms), a lot of times it makes you look like an idiot.

Skateboards — I skateboarded when I was 12. Then again, I also thought I would be an astronaut, be able to shoot a free throw and marry Mandy Moore (seriously, though, please call me). The only thing cooler than someone skateboarding to save gas is someone doing it for fun. Did you catch the sarcasm? I laid it on pretty thick.

Segways — Normally reserved for the oh-so-important tax bracket of mall cops, this is sadly beginning to make its way into normal America. It’s not that I don’t mind you saving $2,000 dollars a year on gas by purchasing a $4,500 motorized axle; it’s just that I fear for your safety when you ride it. Not really from crashing, because they look stable (just like the economy), but from getting beaten up for riding one into the Ferguson Center.

Scooters — I’m not talking about the cool “I’m from France and smoke Virginia Slims” scooters, but the ghetto-ized ones. They look like you took that old Razor you got for your 14th birthday (like a legitimate two weeks before everyone else), and slapped a motor on it. Scooters should be kept in Europe (like socialism and Kate Winslet). You need to realize you really don’t look respectable at all on your scooter. Then again, your Mallet shirt sends the same signal.

Bikes — I actually don’t mind this one. It’s fast, saves a ton of money and if you have those pegs you can carry another person (or two small people). The only thing that really annoys me is when you take it way too seriously. You know the type, the person who buys the sponsored bike unitards, even though they have no intention of ever entering a bike marathon. We get it; you look awfully cool speeding down sorority row without using your handlebars (ladies, this bike’s built for two).

I don’t hate all forms of alternative transportation — for instance, riding a golf cart around campus would be not only convenient, but hella awesome as well (a real life Van Wilder, minus seven years of college). So I plead with you minions of the green fad, if you’re going to do something stupid (like committing to a quasi-truthful theory or growing a beard after losing the presidential election), at least look semi-cool doing it.

Dave Folk is a news editor of The Crimson White.